Today is the second night when a blank computer page is open. The day before, about a month, it was not possible to do this — the noises from it interfere, and it is not easy to understand what is in it and how. It is also difficult that I look at people and do not recognize everyone. Among the sisters today, I just realized that I am the youngest … I try to read the names of people on my phone and do not understand who they are. The brain surgery, it turned out, led me to a completely different reality. But is it really so? The world seemed to have become not outside, but inside me. Maybe this was how you should have lived forever? You cannot compare yourself and him — this surrounding world, you cannot analyze, you cannot impress and be impressed, you cannot observe … But then what? Now I watch how my fingers poke at the keyboard of letters, and it doesn’t matter if I write them correctly, I don’t even think, I just poke, passing on a piece of paper what is inside … But inside …
I woke up in intensive care and a loud sound pierced my brain. Unbearable sound! Squeaker. Pulsation somewhere in the back of the head, neck. Is growing. This sound was accompanied by flashing signals somewhere on the ceiling, to the side and inside of me. The force of the sound squeezed everything inside and ticked, not letting go of the pain. I remembered how much such a sound I had to endure over myself lately.
Screaming disco outside the restaurant. And our house is nearby. Another evening concert with African Americans began at 18, although it should have been from 19.00. I have always been well versed in different vocal genres, especially soul, since I am a musician. But precisely in a professional sense. The number of these non-professionals was sometimes such that people in the restaurant could not talk while sitting at the tables. It is time for children, schoolchildren, old people in a dozen neighboring houses to go to bed at least from 22:00, because in the morning they go to school, to work, on business. But music gets in the way every day. There are tables on the street, waiters are scurrying about. Wine and loudness seem to have become a daily necessity. According to the schedule, they should finish their concerts at 23.00. But for some reason, those wishing to speak are only interested in fees and volumes. Frequent trial chanting and fake sound, trial chanting in different styles. Lack of aesthetics. Only narcissism. But the power is such that when the doors and windows of neighboring houses are closed, decibels in the apartment reach 80. It seems that low frequencies are pounding on the head and ticking in the back of the head. At 23.20 I call the security of the complex and ask them to turn off the sound — the concert should end, apparently. Didn’t react. 23.40 — I go to the concert venue. The singers touchingly — it is not clear to whom — sing to the drunken listeners, sitting one-two-five. I go to the back of the speaker aimed at our house and pull the cable out of the back. I turn to the second. The restaurant manager comes up. I remain silent and just pull out the second cable. Has work experience — about 20 years of work in a music studio and conducting concerts. The knock on the back of my head is so painful that I do not react to the words of the manager. I just say two words: — Loud, time is up! — and I leave, returning to my house.
In the morning, the restaurant manager sent a letter of apology, but after a few days, unbearable pain does not let go of my head. This story has been going on for a long time — about four years. People from houses around, with children, are indignant among themselves, leave, move, return and again … indignation is only among themselves. And I could not be silent. Sound is a part of my life for me. From early childhood, when I thought that music lives in everyone’s head. And already from the age of five, as soon as my dad put his fingers on the piano, I learned to accompany all words, texts, thoughts. Then the first pieces of music and songs appeared. Then something began to grow in me, which turned into a very large number of my own songs, which I now see on my pages on the Internet. But resuscitation … I don’t remember them. Do I sing this anyway? Who is that there? We are connected with her by my memories. But why?
In intensive care I was stunned by the sound of his weight, and I began to ask him to turn it off. But foreigners do not understand Russian. And I don’t know either Turkish or English. But I remembered that «quiet» in Latin is a piano …
— Plis …, piano, pianissimo, — I began to beg, — Headache, severe pain …
The medical staff came and went and did not react to me in any way. I thought that I was considered crazy, begging for something incomprehensible. And in my head, amid all this noise and sounds, I tried to find words to understand me. And during some incomprehensible blackouts, images, memories, strangers came to me, doctors and … the words came:
— Turn off the sound, turn off the sound effect, please! I want a piano, pianissimo, please … pain, headache …
Two days later, I was transferred from the intensive care unit to the ward.
The tumor was removed from the inside of the head, there was a hemorrhage, craniotomy…. — this is not the whole picture …
At night there is the strength to sleep for 2-3 hours. Medicines act in strong reflection of pain, weakness in the whole body. But with all this, the world around me has become something incomprehensibly new for me and even causes peace of mind and a state of joy if there is silence. Yes! Now my favorite word is silence.
This other world with foreign words became a part of me in just two nights of intensive therapy. In a sleepless state, images began to come to me, with which we have been talking for several hours. Different people come, and even my cat Darwin, who died in the spring, with whom I then parted very hard, and now we hugged and let each other go.
The idea of death became something extremely natural for me. All roads are roads that have a beginning and an end. The road itself is important. But if on this path I realized my understanding of the world, my goal, went through and achieved many results in implementation, and I have no questions that have no answers — what else should be left here? Nothing more. My essence meter is only needed by me.
In my nightly imagination, doctors “came” — alive and leaving forever, friends and acquaintances who had gone to another world. And with all of us we talked about what happened and is happening, why there was a search for life, what is the meaning of these events, why there are so many events and people on the planet that are misleading, why there are so many lies in people, and what was created as if especially around people? Why do they create certain situations for delusion? …
During one of the night vigils, I began to speak with the head of our complex and with all the singers of the restaurant. The conversations were conducted in English. And I really believe that their awareness of their professional mistakes, their understanding of the harm caused to this world by sound, should penetrate into their souls … But these are their interactions with the world. And why they are in it — this is their Path. Someone is ridiculous, full of mistakes and ignorance. I appeared on their Path with one goal — understandable only to each individually.
There are no common goals. No, of course, some have a desire for absolute harmony. And the interaction of such individuals is happiness. At first he accumulated in me all the laws of nature, merged and obeyed, but oh well, starting with Pythagoras, Aristotle. My life searches for this harmony are filled with the Higher Order, which I got acquainted with, starting from the first conversations with my dad. His understanding of the fundamental principle was undoubtedly his touch and conveyed to me through his understanding of the world. And the road paved with all kinds of energies has already paved my Path — through the One God in various manifestations and religions — and Orthodoxy, and Protestantism, and Kabbalah, and Hinduism, and Buddhism, and Islam, and the inevitability of their accompaniment, and, of course, laws nature, focused on the physics of the causes and essence of all things.
But it all started with sound.
After all, what is sound …
Our planet was formed by an explosion. The explosion became a sonic force that triggered the interaction of cellular mechanisms. And here it is — development, stretched out in space and time, extended to living beings — each has its own place in this world. Everyone has their own. In due time awareness of depth or surface. But this also affects everyone in their own way. The earlier there is growth and realization, the awareness and inevitability given to you, the more joyful and harmonious you feel as one with the laws of nature.
It turns out that sound is the basis of the world and the interaction of phenomena, people, all living and dead. This is energy, which is the structural fundamental principle of the whole world: space, pictures, internal processes of all structures, the work of cells, time.
It was the sound that began to absorb and distribute the surrounding world through understanding the personalities of time — Hermes, Moses, Krishna, Buddha, Zoroaster, Jesus … through Revelations, Creations. Thus, one can come to the source of understanding the Truth of the world. Not everyone needs it. But my arrival took place — I’m glad!
Today my warm friend will carry a touch of compassion, sympathy, condolence, sympathy for the Buddha. I’m smiling. This is important to him. This is not the case for me. Much more joyful — he walks, he pulls the seekers. Let them not get lost, do not bury themselves without long personal searches.
There are no indicated roads. Any conclusions in life are real and sincere, if they have grown out of you, are not imposed, and even more so do not contradict your understanding of joy.
Perhaps that’s enough for today.
Thank you Universe. Today, on this sleepless night, I spoke with you about something important to me and I designate the main favorite word — silence. Let it, silence, always give peace to the riches of this world.
December 23, 2021